Let’s set the scene here…
This month is all about Breast Cancer Awareness month. Celebrating women who are survivors, warriors of the disease and also creating awareness for our health. This month is always particularly hard for me because my mother passed away from cancer. She was a warrior, a survivor, but her life had a timer on it because of the disease.
So where does jealousy come in, Dee?
Jealousy floods my mind when I see women who are dealing with cancer, SURVIVING cancer…women who are ALIVE. I get insanely jealous and envious of the women who are still here on this earth. I am envious of the daughters and sisters of these women who get to see their loved one everyday. I am even envious of the people who don’t have good relationships with their mothers because their mothers are STILL HERE.
Most of the time, I’m ok with talking about my mother’s death and celebrating her life. However, there is a dark part of my soul that brews with envy because she’s not here. She’s not here to see me flourish; she’s not here to watch crazy tv shows with me; or judge people’s feet (hehe). The things that I shared with her only persist in memory, which can be quite fleeting.
I don’t mean to be Debbie-Downer (lol my mom’s name was Debbie). But I think it’s important for me to express the not-so-fun parts of who I am and what I deal with. I try to be all rainbows and unicorns, but boo-face, LIFE has a weird way of allowing dark stuff to creep in.
I was watching the most recent episode of Project Runway (me and my madre’s favorite show to watch together) and the designers met women who were survivors of the disease. As soon as I saw the women in pink, my eyes started leaking. I didn’t need to hear what was being said because I already knew what these women had gone through.
However, as brave as these women are, I couldn’t help thinking, “It’s not fair.” Everyone knows of someone who has dealt with cancer. While modern science is doing it thang to prolong the lives of those with this disease, it doesn’t guarantee the longevity of someone’s life.
I miss my mom, every freakin’ day of my life since she passed and some days are harder than others. But like those women on Project Runway, she was a warrior. If I can be anything like her, I know I’m doing something right.