Let’s Talk About: Comparison and Disappointment

11.15.17

This quote resonates so much with me right now…

As 30 rapidly approaches, I realize that I’m going to experience changes, especially physically.  We know that I’ve been quite vigilante in my health and fitness game recently; and I try to eat as healthy and be as active as I possibly can.  There have definitely been times when I’ve slipped up or had a bad day (maybe even a few bad weeks), but overall, I try to be as consistent as I can.

Lately, I’ve been having feelings of self-doubt, failure, and rejection. Why? Because my tummy isn’t as flat as “hers” or I can’t do as many squats as “him”.  Since becoming a part of the fitness world (outside of organized sports), I can now empathize with the folks who see fit gods and goddesses and feel “less than”.

I’ve never been in this boat before, so needless to say, homegirl wasn’t liking it one bit!  I never really cared about poundage before either. But, to say that the 10 pound weight gain didn’t get to me would be a bold faced lie.  I’m not as thin as I was in school when I was working out, doing drills for hours on end 5-6 days a week. I found myself looking at all these fitness chicks (even ones in my own community) feeling defeated because they looked so good (shout out to all those gals doing their thang!)!

I was disappointed and felt like a failure.  I know this happens from time to time with different aspects of our lives, but it was annoying.  I don’t like feeling sorry for myself or feeling defeated.  Was I not working hard enough? Was I not focusing on my eating habits enough?

No Dee. You’re about to enter the 3rd decade of your life and your body is going to change. You’re not going to look or even FEEL the same way you did when you were 19, 20, 21 years old.  You may also have to change some things from time to time to accommodate the types of changes you’d like to see. And that 10-pound weight gain? Girlllll….you lift weights (including your body weight) on a regular basis! What do you think is going to happen?!  Sounds silly, but these are literally the conversations I have to have with myself in order to put things into perspective.

Image result for girllll gif

Physically, I’m more…errrr….womanly. I’ve always had curves, but things change and look different as one gets older.

I don’t mean to make this whole thing sound like I’m going through menopause or something.  However, when you’re used to looking one way and your body decides to change up on you, you start to get a little concerned.

Even though I have these doubts sometimes and get into a habit of comparing myself to others, I realize that there are positive outcomes to my progress so far! I’m more toned and MUCH stronger than I was 10 years ago.  To be able to do 10-15 tricep pushups in a row without dying is a huge milestone for me.

So what’s next? How do we get out of this funk and get back to having fun? Honestly? A little dose of reality helps.

Realizing that things may not be the same is the first step to not trying to fix everything at once. Doing that is overwhelming and hella exhausting.

But my dear friends, all is not lost!  As I stated before, it’s about putting the work in and being consistent – an important life lesson to learn.

Dee

 

Let’s Talk About: Jealousy

 

Let’s set the scene here…

This month is all about Breast Cancer Awareness month. Celebrating women who are survivors, warriors of the disease and also creating awareness for our health.  This month is always particularly hard for me because my mother passed away from cancer.  She was a warrior, a survivor, but her life had a timer on it because of the disease.

So where does jealousy come in, Dee?

Jealousy floods my mind when I see women who are dealing with cancer, SURVIVING cancer…women who are ALIVE.  I get insanely jealous and envious of the women who are still here on this earth.  I am envious of the daughters and sisters of these women who get to see their loved one everyday.  I am even envious of the people who don’t have good relationships with their mothers because their mothers are STILL HERE.

Most of the time, I’m ok with talking about my mother’s death and celebrating her life.  However, there is a dark part of my soul  that brews with envy because she’s not here.  She’s not here to see me flourish; she’s not here to watch crazy tv shows with me; or judge people’s feet (hehe). The things that I shared with her only persist in memory, which can be quite fleeting.

I don’t mean to be Debbie-Downer (lol my mom’s name was Debbie). But I think it’s important for me to express the not-so-fun parts of who I am and what I deal with.  I try to be all rainbows and unicorns, but boo-face, LIFE has a weird way of allowing dark stuff to creep in.

I was watching the most recent episode of Project Runway (me and my madre’s favorite show to watch together) and the designers met women who were survivors of the disease.  As soon as I saw the women in pink, my eyes started leaking.  I didn’t need to hear what was being said because I already knew what these women had gone through.

However, as brave as these women are, I couldn’t help thinking, “It’s not fair.” Everyone knows of someone who has dealt with cancer.  While modern science is doing it thang to prolong the lives of those with this disease, it doesn’t guarantee the longevity of someone’s life.

I miss my mom, every freakin’ day of my life since she passed and some days are harder than others. But like those women on Project Runway, she was a warrior. If I can be anything like her, I know I’m doing something right.

Dee

 

Let’s Talk About: Loving our bodies

So in my last post, I ranted about shopping for me boot-ay and all the glorious-ness frustration that surrounds that experience.

As challenging as it can be, I do love my body and how God created me, physically.  I love being a woman and having curves. I look in the mirror and see beauty on top of even the smallest of insecurities and imperfections.  Yes, our bodies can be very appealing to other people which is nice, but love for our bodies should always come from within.

I’m not necessarily someone who screams out body positivity from the mountaintops like most influencers do these days.  I think it’s great – encouraging people to love their bodies.  However, sometimes those folks can be quite judgmental, especially if someone doesn’t like a certain part of their body and decides to go under the knife to change some thangs.

Personally, I wouldn’t really go for surgery, mainly because I see what my future looks like in my grandmother and it looks good, honey.  However, I would never really judge someone if they chose to opt for it.

I remember watching a few videos of this girl who had quite a small chest. She loved being sexy and all of that, but felt like her bust was keeping her from physically looking as sexy as she felt.  She opted for plastic surgery and let me tell you honey, it’s like her small bust never existed.

You could see a difference in her confidence and obviously the way she dressed. But, the important thing is that she was doing it for herself.  She wasn’t doing it for her boyfriend at the time or someone else.  Homegirl did her research, took time to make sure it was something she really wanted to do and went for it.

Again, I personally wouldn’t go for surgery, but I don’t think it’s an incredibly horrible thing for people to consider.  It honestly just comes down to loving our bodies. I try to promote a healthy lifestyle and what not, BUTTTTTT you definitely have to possess self love. You may look in the mirror and think, “Oooo boo-boo, you need to work on that stomach or that booty!”, but it should also be coupled with, “Dang girl/guy! You look bangin’!”

Appreciate the lumps and bumps and everything in between.  Look in the mirror and be happy to be in the skin that you are in. God made you and you should see yourself the way he sees you – beautifully, FEARFULLY, wonderfully made.

Psalm 139:14

Dee